Didn’t your mama ever teach you that sticks and stones can break your bones, but words will never hurt you?
my mother was wrong about a lot of things, and this was one of them. i hate this phrase. it suggests that verbal and emotional abuse aren’t legitimate sources of pain or trauma, and that is absolutely bullshit. words can hurt.
I’ve been staring at the screen for at least ten minutes, intent on writing about my feelings, but I just can’t get anything out. The other day my feelings were as fleeting as butterflies. If those were butterflies, then my feelings today are humming birds. All over the place and excitedly flitting here and there before i get a chance to see what they look like. It’s thrilling. I wanted to write about the serious conversation I had with CJ yesterday, and still may, but I just can’t right now. I’m just so excited about Ryan.
I’m trying to calm myself and keep myself relaxed and reserved so I don’t blow it, but everything in me is just dancing right now. It’s been so long since I’ve had such an intense crush on someone. It even seems to me like the feelings may be mutual, which would be amazing. He just seems like this completely awesome guy. He’s smart, just a bit nerdy, mature, hilarious, sarcastic, playful, affectionate, and active, not to mention he’s ridiculously good looking with an amazing body. I’m just so surprised at how much I like him. He makes me feel beautiful. He gives me the feeling that he’s surprised that I exist. I’m surprised he exists. I’m surprised at how many little things I like about him. I like that we both act spoiled and have expensive tastes, but we aren’t actually that spoiled. Side note: I thought I had refined and expensive tastes, but this guy actually has more expensive tastes than me. He actually scoffed at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse. Ha! But anyway. I love that he randomly says “you’re pretty” or even “you’re beautiful.” I love when he tickles me. Oh and we both love Anchorman and Mean Girls.
This crush feels different from other crushes I’ve had since breaking up with CJ. The crush on Kenny was a false and reluctant one. I knew I would have been settling for him. I think my crush on Mike was more like a fireworks of lust: intense, fun, and exciting, but short lived. And I think my crush on Peter was more a crush on the idea of being with someone who is in a band and stuff. This crush on Ryan is the first one that has really made me act silly. I’m always excited when my phone buzzes with a text. I’m perpetually smiling. I’m writing pointless entries in my livejournal and tumblr. I keep fantasizing about having an actual relationship with him. I never thought I’d want to be in another relationship. But he makes me want to be. We’ll just have to see. It’s still all new and exciting. We’ll have to see what ends up happening.
GAH I’m just so giddy. I love this feeling though. It’s like riding up the big hill of a roller coaster and down it all at the same time. I’m simultaneously frozen and speechless with anxiety and bouncing and giggling with excitement. I’m dizzy from it all.
So remember that whole deal in September when CJ and Sloppy were making bad life choices and she threw a deck chair and he said we couldn’t do anything on my birthday, but he promised we’d do something at some point for my birthday?
Well we finally did something for my birthday! He told me it was an outdoors surprise, so I guessed the zoo. I thought I had ruined the surprise, but I didn’t! He took me trail riding on horses at this farm up in RI!
You see, there are few things I complain about more than my regret about having given up horseback riding when I was younger. And CJ has heard me reminisce about how much I love and miss it dozens and dozens of times. So that was my surprise birthday present. I was so excited. The trail guide was a very nice woman who guided us around our trail and gave us tips. She even took us trotting, where I slowly picked up posting again. Turns out riding is a bit like riding a bike. You never really forget.
Afterward we went to this amazing bakery and cafe on Federal Hill and had eclairs and hot chocolate. After that we went to Denny’s. Denny’s is just…Necessary on a birthday.
All in all it was a great belated birthday adventure.
Where close friends are mean and completely unsupportive of me, and I’m not sure where they’re coming from. It’s about stupid shit too. The first dream I had was with Melissa. We were going somewhere to get tattoos done, and the artist was someone other than Mike Lussier, so I didn’t want him to do my stargazer lily tattoo. So I suggested to Melissa that maybe I’d get the tattoo of the well from The Little Prince that I’ve been wanting, and she was like “That’s stupid. It has nothing to do with the book. I don’t even know why you would get that. GOD.” So I frowned and didn’t end up getting tattooed.
And then in my other dream, I was all about the boy I’m currently all about, and I was talking to Erin and Emily, and they were both upset about boy issues, and I was like “hey let’s facebook stalk this boy! You guys have to see how good looking he is!” And they both shook their heads and said they were too sad. And I was like “but I put my breakup problems aside for you guys…” and Emily was like “well we just don’t want to right now.” So I frowned and didn’t get to facebook stalk the boy with them.
Now I know both these dreams MUST be bullshit, because I know Melissa wants me to get every tattoo and because I know Erin and Emily will facebook stalk anyone with me.
On Monday CJ and I are FINALLY going to do something special for my birthday. Supposedly it involves a zoo of some sort. I’m very curious and very excited.
With this epic fucking boy, right? Ok, so, Thursday night after Thanksgiving festivities, I went and met up with Ryan at this bar in Providence, and we were talking, and I mentioned somewhere that the next day, Friday, there was going to be a Brandon Flowers concert in Boston, but I never got tickets because my plans to go fell through. And he was like “I love Brandon Flowers! We should see if there’s still tickets! I’d go.” So I said I’d check in the morning.
So Friday morning, I’m having a fit of ” I CAN’T JUST GO TO BOSTON” but then I was like “why the fuck CAN’T I go to Boston? I fucking can!” So I checked for tickets, and found some good seats in a VIP box, and called Ryan as I was ordering them to make sure he still wanted to go, which he did.
So he picked me up around 5, and we got to Boston at like 6. We went and picked up the tickets, and then ended up having dinner at Boston Beer Works, where I had a watermelon beer, which was delightful. We also made plans to eiffel tower Brandon Flowers. But all in all dinner was adorable and fun.
And then we went to the show and got a couple beers and sat down. The opening band was this group from San Diego called Transfer, and they were pretty good. And then Brandon fucking Flowers came out and BLEW OUR FUCKING MINDS. He was so amazing live. I feel like I prefer the live versions to album versions. So among having the awesome seats, the awesome dinner, and this date of a boy with whom i am ENAMORED, it was amazing.
We left Boston around like 10:30 to head back down to Attleboro, and we stopped at TGI Fridays for some drinks and late night snacks. Then he brought me home and there were wonderful good night kisses.
AND OH MY GOD I’M SO GIDDY AND I’M TURNING INTO EVERY GIDDY GIRL I HATE BUT I DON’T CARE BECAUSE HE’S SO AWESOME AND SMART AND ATTRACTIVE AND THE WHOLE FUCKING PACKAGE. so there.
I’m pretty sure this is the most epic date I’ve ever been on.
and part of the text was like “I hope the whole illegitimate child prophecy/wish fulfills itself!”
and then I was worried for ten seconds because I was like “what if she reads this and is worried that I really want Brandon Flowers to impregnate me?”
But then I came to my senses and realized that, 1. she knows I’m joking, and 2. I really do want the illegitimate child of Brandon Flowers, and 3. There is nothing about that that would be a bad life choice.
And then I hit send.
in standing room only, I spent 48 bucks per ticket so I could sit in a VIP box.
Because let’s face it, I’m spoiled and can’t tell myself no.
GOING TO SEE BRANDON FLOWERSSSSSSSSSS!